Can You Hear Me Now? Being a Better Speaker Requires Becoming a Better Listener.
To be a good speaker is one of the most valued gifts in our society. It is one of nearly everyone’s goals to be logical, articulate, and incisive in their words. To move people by your words and have them followed by roaring applause. We give our speaking ability so much attention and focus. It is the decision point in interviews, the capstone of academics, and the most trusted marker of a well-educated and dynamic person. We offer seminars to teach it, weekly groups meet to practice it (like Toastmasters Int.), and everyone’s greatest fear is failing in it (In America it ranks higher than even death itself).
Yet, who can speak well without first listening? How many of us truly hear what others are saying before we respond with our words? After all, just as we learn language through hearing it wouldn’t we then master speech by first mastering our listening skills? Why then is there so little focus given to listening better in our society?
What does it mean to listen?
So, what is listening anyway? With so much noise around us all the time surely, we are all hearing something. Everyone’s got an opinion they’re voicing nowadays; how can you not but hear them?
There’s a big difference between being exposed to sound, that is passively hearing it, and actively listening to that sound. Think of music for example. How often do you notice the music when you go into a grocery store? It’s always playing! Every store and every day. Still, for me, I only hear it when a favorite song comes on. Suddenly when there is something I want to hear or have ears for, I begin to listen. Otherwise, I don’t even know it is there. It could be a new favorite, a beautiful symphony, but as long as I’m not listening to it how can I ever come to know that? It’s much the same when listening to another person. How often do we hear only what we want to hear? Like focusing on our favorite song, we ignore all the rest and give our focus to what we like and have ears for already. We can tune someone’s speech to serve our response to it. All it takes is one sentence or one word (or maybe even nothing at all) for us to craft our reply and have it ready to fire off when the other speaker is done talking. How can we listen to music when we have our own melody already in our head?
No matter how outwardly enjoyable your speech is, it is entirely in vain unless it is built on the words spoken before it. A message created entirely on its own (void of the message before it) serves no purpose. There can be no good speech without good listening. So, how do we know if we are good listeners or not?
Do you hear me? Are you a good listener?
Take note of your listening skills this week. Pay extra special attention to how well you are listening and understanding the other’s message before responding or generating your response while the other person is still talking.
A couple points to keep in mind as you monitor your listening:
How much do you verbally track what the other is saying?
Verbally tracking is our “mmhmm’s” and “yea’s” when the other is speaking. While not a bad thing in themselves do pay attention to how you’re using these. Too many can encourage the speaker to prematurely finish their speech. They can have an effect of showing disinterest in that they make it seem that you already know what the other is saying and therefore their message is not necessary or unique to you. Truth is we never know what the other is going to say until we hear them say it. Therefore, no matter how familiar you are with a part of their message stay with them to see where they want to take it –not where you want to take it. Verbal tracking has a way of steering the conversation based on the ‘mmhmm’s’ themselves – don’t let this happen.
Do you give the other physical signs that you are listening?
Think about your physical posture when you are listening to someone. Is it open? Is it closed off? Are you looking at them? Are your feet edging towards the door? These are all subtle cues you are giving to the speaker how interested you are in hearing what they have to say.
What about head nods? Head nods are a great way to show attention but not all nods are the same. For instance, many frequent head nods show impatience and a rush to move on. Take note of what your head nods may be saying to the other?
How well do you understand the entirety of the message you just heard?
Could you repeat it back to the speaker? If not, do you ask questions to make sure you are not just listening but also understanding them? Do you wait for them to finish before interjecting or altering their message by your verbal or nonverbal cues?
What are you thinking about as the other is speaking?
Are you casting an opinion as they speak? Are you writing off the message based on one thing they said? Are you judging the other person or taking a stance as they speak whether you will listen to them or not? Or is your mind off somewhere else completely thinking about what errands you need to run later or what time your evening plans are at? Good listening gives complete focus to the speaker – they’re nonverbal and verbal messages.
What’s the balance of time like in the conversation?
Are they doing most of the talking or are you? Remember, being a good speaker requires you to be a good listener first– always share the floor with the other person being careful not to dominate the conversation. Aim for a 50/50 split or slightly more skewed as appropriate based on the context of the conversation.
Good listening requires much patience and practice. There is no quick fix to better listening. It simply demands that you start listening now and eventually with enough time and practice you’ll be more comfortable and more proficient at it. In time, you’ll notice the difference it makes in your conversations as a whole. Not only will your speaking ability increase but so also will the conversations you are putting your energy into. Two people talking over each other and speaking to their own messages is never enjoyable and never productive. Take the time to listen and you will be setting the tone for a better conversation entirely – and maybe even learn something new from it. How else will you know if you can or not unless you listen?