The Psychology of the Cool Crowd

I remember thinking popularity and in-groups were only actualized in a high-school, how naïve was I. Truth is whenever a group of people get together smaller group systems form. Usually, these subsystems created within the larger group are ordered based upon their honor and regard within the larger group, in other words their popularity. Question is: what makes someone popular?

The Rise to Popularity

Take a moment to think about the “cool” in-groups in your life. What do they look like? Perhaps you see it from the outside or perhaps you are in it. What appears to make this group different than any other group around it also part of the larger structure of people? How do they treat those in their group and those out of it? What behaviors or attitudes do its members share? How similar are they all each to the other?

 Inclusion vs. Exclusion

The key differentiator between subgroups is inclusion vs. exclusion. What makes a group desirable and therefore ‘cool’ and ‘hip’ to be a part in? Well, it has got to be exclusive. If just anyone can become a part of this group then what makes it special? What makes me feel good to be included in it? Exclusivity is the key ingredient in any group system. This is true rather the group is all the way at the top of the hierarchy in the larger system or all the way just before the bottom. Even a group just above the bottom will exclude those members perceived at the bottom in order to elevate its own status and regard by those at the top. Those at the top are the most exclusive, this is what makes them the most desirable. They are free to enter into any other group, since they are ‘above’ that group in order, but no other is allowed to freely come into their higher-ordered group unless welcomed as ‘included’. It is exclusivity that dictates the desirability of groups. We naturally want what we can’t have. Just the fact that we are unwelcome makes us believe that we are missing out on something special. The groups at the top know this rather intrinsically or extrinsically. They operate by a natural human basis of supply and demand.

Playing the game

I’ve seen this play out from multiple angles in my own experience. I’ve seen it from the bottom and I’ve seen it closer to the top. No matter where you stand if you play into the game you become a participant and abide by the game’s rules. For most of my life I was a willing participant in this game. In any group I was a part of, it didn’t matter where it stood in the overall perceived order, we excluded those we looked down upon in order that we can build our own group up as superior to someone else. A comparison of other groups within the larger system is a fundamental tool for climbing the ladder. Even if we are not as desirable as those over there, we say in our group, at least we are not those poor saps we now look down upon. No matter where you stand, you cut those down who you can in order to gain a higher positioning at the top. Why do we do this? Because it feels good. If I place myself higher than anyone else I feel better about myself. If I snub someone or exclude them, how much better now do I feel?

Even from the bottom I sought after attitudes and behaviors that would bring me closer to the top. If the goal is to be included in the higher group, then naturally you do what others are doing in that group. The concern is not individually but inclusion. As social beings this is a natural feeling and we can do crazy things when we choose our behavior based upon this without fully realizing what is going on; ie. gang members, peer pressure, drug abuse, or what we call “social” drinkers and smokers. Why do we do all of this? Because we want to be accepted and we want to be a part of a group, any group that seems desirable to us. The best way to do that is to adapt and amend our ways in order to better fit the group. If we do not do this successfully enough and are not included in this group, we think, it is all over for us and we will not survive all alone outside of the tribe.

 This is true in any place where multiple people are joined together. It can be in school, in an office, and even within your own friend group or family. It is key to understand it in order to understand why it is you do what you do and what it is you are really seeking.

What are you seeking?

What is waiting for you up there? If you are included in this group or that, is it going to help you become the person you want to be? What is it about this certain group that grabs your attention? Perhaps you hate them because they have hurt you by excluding you but deep down you just want to be accepted by them and included and then things will be different, we think…

Truth is any group that’s formed on exclusivity is not better than you or me or anyone they cut down in order to build themselves up. By their very structure they are operating to their core in pride. Self-pride, group-pride, you name it and they’re proud of it. They judge, they look at externals, and they do not treat fairly or justly. If these are in line with markers of the character you want to build then keep on striving for that inclusion. If not, seek a higher path.

A New Path

Pull yourself out of the game! Do not give mind to these group statuses anymore.

Make it your goal to be inclusive and not exclusive. If you want to live in love, love does not discriminate. Love wills the good of the other. All others. That is not happening when you exclude others, only by inclusion and openness can we love. When we exclude we cause pain and we hurt. We have all been there. This is part of the reason groups try to place themselves so far up above others, in order that no one else has the power over them to hurt them and make them feel differently about themselves. Stop playing into these games and be the person you want to be, the person you are. Stop trying to fool others into thinking you are more like them than you are. You are not. You are you and there is no other like you. Be you. Help others to be themselves by being welcoming of them and unconditional in your regard to them.

I say it again, stop playing games. All our welcome has got to be your new motto in life if you are going to journey a higher path. Stop jockeying for position and just be. There is no need to be anywhere else than where you are now–free and open and loving to all. To those that exclude, have pity on them for their errors for many do know even know what it is they’re doing. Don’t envy them but offer them your condolences for they’re farther off the path than you.  Help them too like you would anyone else seeking your help. Include all and exclude none. Why? Because it feels much better than when we do it the other way around.