Living ‘Other’ Focused
When I was struck with the quandary of how I could be less selfish and caught up with myself and more charitable and focused on those around me, like any good citizen of the technological era I took to the internet for some answers and motivation to get me started on my new focus. Feeling a video, I took to YouTube searching “focusing on others instead of myself”. Not a single video title captured my search; in fact, to the contrary the exact opposite appeared with videos instructing me to forget about others and instead focus all my attention on myself and my needs above anyone or anything else. I figured this must be a fluke. So I went to ol’ reliable Google with my question “focusing on others instead of myself”. There I went through two pages of websites and articles and again found not a single hit that adequately captured my search. Instead, yet again, I found more information on how I can give more attention to myself and forget about everyone else.
Finding the need within the lack
This lack of an answer gave me the answer I was seeking after all. Earlier this day I was stunned thinking how selfish I’ve been all my life. How could I have always been so focused on myself over anyone else? Being quite distraught about this realization, that is when I took to the online searches for some restitution and to bring me onto the path of healing. If on all the things google sees on any given day, this wasn’t one of them or deemed a big enough quandary to warrant an item actually related to appear on the list, than it is no wonder I am in the current state of selfishness that I am. A new question came.
How can I become more self-giving in a culture that revolves around “I”?
Losing my trust in google, this was a question I set out to find an answer to without. Focusing on others is surely a slow process to become adept at. It requires a constant energy to keep reminding ourselves of our intentions of this and to motivate the action required on their behalf–linked with a“why”. It reminded me of a commencement speech given by David Foster Wallace to the class of 2005 at Kenyon College. In it he tells a parable of two fish. One afternoon while they’re swimming in water they are confronted by a third fish who asks them, “how’s the water?”. They are so far-removed from this moment worrying about their own interests that this simple question freaks them out; the same fish that were actively swimming had somehow forgotten they were even in water at all. How similar is this paradox to our own way of life. How often do we get so consumed in our selfish nature, its desires, wants, and fixations, that we start to go on autopilot through life concerning ourselves only with what we think is essential for us and in doing so missing out on everything else – and there is a A LOT of stuff that resides outside the sphere of our own self-interests. Living with this self-determined focus we miss out on a lot of beauty, a lot of connection, a lot of depth, and meaningful community and friendship. Put simply, we miss a lot out of life.
This is Water
As David Foster Wallace recommends, we must remind ourselves like the fish in his parable that we too are swimming in water. We are humans that are part of a collective human experience. There is togetherness in our experience whether we embrace it or not. We are not here alone. Our struggles are our neighbors struggles too. Our victories also are our neighbors’ victories. In the human experience the ‘I’ is only secondary to the “we”. When we can begin to shift out focus back where it belongs, which is on ‘we’ and not ‘I’we begin to shift our focus back on the bigger picture– that of which is why we’re here, our shared purpose. The overarching meaning that joins you and I together in its explaining why we do what we do taking care of our seemingly never-ending needs day after day. The earlier mentioned “why” as to why we focus on other’s over our self. This is where the actions of self come together. It is where we make sense in the world and the way things are in it. You’d think shifting focus on others to start is a charitable thing, a self-sacrificing thing. But it couldn’t be farther from that. When you focus on others you are putting more care into yourself than you ever have before. You are making meaning of this crazy world we call home. In a shift of focus, them before me, it is I who arguably derives the most benefit. I feel whole, complete, justified, fulfilled, and most importantly loved.
So perhaps when Google answered my original quandary of “focusing on others instead of myself” with articles about how to love yourself more and make yourself your number one priority, I should have clicked through and read on. For if you focus on other’s well being and not just your own; you are loving yourself more than you ever could have before – even when you focused so much on it. Remember this is not water we’re moving in, but we are all in it together.