Who not what
Starting with the wrong questions
From a very early age we are asked, “What are you going to do when you grow up?”. Right away this sends a disastrous message to a young child– another example of limiting ideas being continually passed on as cultural tradition. This question is mistaken because it gets someone thinking about ‘what’ instead of ‘who’, and this is the error many of us live with today. How do we eliminate it within in order to stop its growth around us?
Why who vs. what
First, we must understand why we should emphasize ‘who’ rather than ‘what’. Think of someone in your life who you came across by first hearing about them. This is the person whose reputation quite literally preceded them. By time you met them you knew all the ‘what’s’ about them and as so probably felt pretty safe saying you knew them to a certain degree. It was easy as that, no further conversation or experience necessary. You had them figured out! But then your perspective changed. You began to actually spend time with this person. Letting go of the ‘what’s’ you began to form some ‘whos’. In time, being with this person and interacting together with the rest of the world you began to know ‘who’ this person was. The ‘who’ therefore is truly knowing the person. It proceeds reputation and transcends all other notions made prematurely or inaccurately on partial-truths. The problem with ‘what’s’ then is that they limit us from ever really knowing the ‘who’ and therefore the individuals themselves.
Living in a world of ‘whats’
We largely live in a world of ‘what’s’. What do you do for a living? What do you do in your free time? What team do you like? What grocery store do you shop? What phone do you have? This is consumerist society and it has effectively shaped our perception around a single ‘w’ question of the whole, who, what, where, when, why, and how brigade. We do not care to discover any more about a person, through the use of any of these other questions, than what their ‘whats’ provide us. For our scientific age, the ‘what’ is the proof and the concluding finding we seek. So, knowing our bias towards ‘what’ how we can direct our thinking to be more ‘who’ central.
Two steps to letting go of ‘whats’
Stop asking ‘what’ questions
This is going to be against every instinct in you that has been reinforced and reinforced since the time you were first asked “what do you want to do when you grow up’. Instead of falling on ‘what’ questions try getting to know this person truly for ‘who’ they are. Most ‘what’s’ hold bias to them in our thinking. The less ‘whats’ we know about a person, the freer we are to know the ‘who’ and therefore the person themselves. Think about it, how does finding out a person’s political stance automatically shift your judgment and remaining interaction with that person? What about if they are a fan of a rival sports team of yours? These are easy and obvious ‘whats’ that can still create separation from us truly knowing the who. Deeper ‘whats’ create deeper division in your right judgment of ‘who’. So, make it a practice to leave the ‘whats’ home for a change and instead go on welcoming ‘whos’.
Stop Giving ‘what’ answers
If you’re not asking ‘whats’ then don’t give ‘whats’ either. How often do you fall into a ‘what’ mode for yourself when meeting someone new? You think to share about what you do for work, what you do for fun, what restaurants you like, and what interests you. All of these can be good things in learning about a new person and they have their proper place in forming the ‘who but when we rely too heavily on them and they’re all we give a person we are going to be leaving it up to their own prejudices and past experiences to fill in the gaps we leave them with. If we tell someone what we do for our job while leaving out why we do it or who it is doing it, then we are allowing that person to shape their interpretation of our ‘who’ based around a simple piece of information. If you don’t think that what you do defines you then don’t let others define you by it either. Tell them ‘who’ you are and if you get into any ‘whats’ make sure to explain them with plenty of ‘whys’ so that they may know more about who you are outside of your ‘whats’. In fact, ‘whys’ are one of the most revealing pieces of information someone can provide as to reveal their ‘who’. We do all sorts of ‘whats’ in life for different reasons and it is true no two ‘whats’ are ever identical– it is the reasons behind them, the ‘whys’, that bring them to life and reveal the character and the motivations of the ‘who’ behind them.
Creating a world of ‘whos’
By incorporating these two modes of questioning and analysis in our daily lives and interactions we can begin to live in a world of ‘whos’ rather than ‘whats’. When you know who a person is, you become close to that person. Anyone you call a friend you probably know who that person is, if you don’t you better start learning. If we only know ‘whats’ than anyone we know is simply a what, devoid of all their character and individuality that make them a unique ‘who’. They’re like acquaintances, we know about them but never truly know them. If we live in a world like this we are living in a world with no kinship, no community, and no love. Instead, live in a world filled with ‘whos’–individual, unique, and lovable people each with something different and beautiful to bring into the world. Let your ‘who’ shine and get to know other’s ‘whos’ too. This will be a more colorful, true, and fuller world to live in.