The People That Make Us Who We Are
What makes us who we are? Is it genetics or our environment? Nature or nurture?
As we begin to unravel the mystery of epigenetics, it seems to inform us that our environment has the biggest say in who we ultimately become. Epigenetics research has found that some genes can turn on or off as a result of the environment. This is the ultimate trump card in the nature/nurture debate. If the environment has a direct effect on our genes, then we better make sure we’re in the right environment.
Finding the Right environment.
A good environment provides security and cares to the needs of your affections. Our environment is primarily a relational construct. That is, the relationships in our life make up our environment which then shapes us by turning genes on and off. Take a moment to let that sink in. It’s powerful stuff! Most psychology theories that look to the past agree that early relationships set the building blocks of forming who we are to become. This means that your mom or dad or primary caregiver has a central stake in your identity and personality. Whether that is good news to you or not, remember this is only the starting point. While early caregivers have a tremendous impact on our development, we never stop growing and renewing ourselves. This means that any significant person in your life whom you have had a meaningful relationship with has had some sort of an effect on the person you are today. Thus, we are a collection of the people who have rubbed off on us. Each one leaves their imprint on our unique expression of being. This process which starts from our first relationship with our caregiver continues with the other familial relationships in our life, our first peer relationships, and all the way to the people you interact with most today. It’s an ever-evolving process that never ceases. Therefore, you better make sure you’re filling your environment with the right people if they’re the ones shaping who you will become.
Be careful who makes up your environment
Now some of you may be thinking at this point, I know who I am and I’m not so insecure to be changing who I am for others. It’s good to be secure, however, complete security in who you are is never truly found in our lives. It is an on-going process and one you do not want to cut short. You need to have flexibility in your identity and be open to the potential of making positive adaptations to it. These adaptations will come from those around you. Realizing this truth, it is then crucial that we make sure we are around the right people for us.
The best way to figure out if someone is good for you or not is to ask yourself, who do I want to become? Here are some factors to consider:
If someone has a character trait you desire to emulate more in the future, perhaps they’re a meaningful person to have around in your life.
If a person builds you up rather than breaks you down, they too would seem a viable person to have around in your life.
If someone is more similar to who you used to be than who you want to be, then that person may be holding you back.
Keep on growing with the rest of life around you
Nothing in life stands still. It is either growing or diminishing. The question, ‘Who am I’, provides a growing answer that you don’t want to cut short. As life changes and the relationships that fill it, so should you and your aspirations of who you want to become. Therefore, the goal is to remain open and flexible to all life throws at you. What may seem like something that is not ‘you’ today may become more like ‘you’ in the days ahead. As long as it is in line with your ultimate direction and values in life, then you don’t want to cut off anything completely but instead, remain open to all possibilities of your growing identity. A similar principle applies to your current relationships, it is not fair to cut off anyone as soon as it seems they’re not bringing anything to your table. Identity formation is a two-way street and just as others rub off on who you are becoming so too do you rub off on who others are becoming. So be generous, and don’t cut off anyone for no good reason from that growth you can provide them. If someone is for you they’re your ally in this journey of self-discovery. Conversely, if they’re directly in your way of becoming, then they may be someone who you withhold their influence on your forming identity.
Life is an on-going process and when you trust the process there is nothing to fear. At the end of the day, life begets life. Don’t overstress this cool little effect, but instead be grateful for all the awesome people in your life who have had such an impact making you into the awesome person you are today. Then, keep it going. Never stop growing. Continue to be formed by great influences and form others likewise by your best example. The ripple effect from one inspired person can be a society of transformation.